nine years

Nine years ago major surgery changed the course of my life. Open heart surgery is not just a medical event, it is a profound experience that leaves marks beyond the physical. Reflecting on nearly a decade since that day brings a mix of gratitude and a quiet wish that the trauma had been less intense. As another year passes I wanted to acknowledge the quiet battle of the extreme and complex emotions that come with this journey.

While this surgery saved my life, it came with a heavy emotional toll. The trauma is not only about the surgery itself but also the uncertainty of survival, if you will have a future, the pain, the long recovery. This experience leaves behind more scars than the ones that are visible. The damage to your emeotional and mental wellbeing are under discussed and under researched.

Looking back, there is a deep sense of gratitude for the skilled hands and the medical advances that made survival possible. Yet, that gratitude sits alongside a wish that the experience had been gentler, less frightening. This conflict is the one my brain battles silently every single day, an expectation to feel grateful but in reality just feeling traumatised.

The one question I ask myself everyday is "how can I be grateful they saved my life, but not grateful I went through it?" It is yet another juxtaposition in a journey that is full of them.

The thing I hear the most is, "your fine now though", and, though I may be physically recovered, the idea if being 'fine' in the context of this experience is a very foreign and far off concept. Healing extends far beyond the hospital stay and the initial recovery period. The body needs time to mend, but so does the mind and spirit. My healing journey has lasted nine years and is till ongoing in a major way.

• Physical recovery can take months or even years. Strength rebuilds slowly, and some days feel harder than others.

• Emotional healing involves processing fear, anxiety, and sometimes grief for your life before surgery.

• Mental adjustments include learning to live with new limitations or changes in lifestyle.

  
  

This journey is ongoing. Even after nine years, it is normal to have moments of vulnerability or frustration. Recognising where I had gaps in my healing and the realisation that it had leeched into every facet of my life was a huge breakthrough and I am still working through it in therapy.

One of the most important lessons I've learnt from this experience (and years of therapy) is the value of self-compassion, something I am still learning and honestly is HARD . Healing is not linear, and setbacks do not mean failure. Being kind to yourself means:

• Allowing space for difficult emotions without guilt.

• Celebrating small victories, like a walk that felt easier or a day with less pain.

• Seeking support when needed, whether from friends, family, or professionals.

• Accepting that some days will be harder and that is okay.

  
  

This kindness is a powerful tool that supports resilience and well-being.

I am often asked if I could go back and do it again if i would change anything, and it sounds so weird to say, but honestly, no I wouldn't. This expereice has made me who I am and has given me the tools and ability to do so much of what i have achieved. While I wish it wouldn't have been so traumatic, I am now able to look back on the experience for what it was and be grateful that it not only saved my life but gave me an opportunity to share my story and help those around me.

For those who have faced or will face open heart surgery, here are somethings I reccomened to make the journey just a little easier.

• Keep a journal to track progress and express feelings.

• Set realistic goals for physical activity and rest.

• Connect with others who understand the experience.

• Practice mindfulness or meditation to manage stress.

• Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small.

  
  

These steps can make the journey less isolating and more manageable.

Nine years after open heart surgery, the journey continues. There is no final destination, only ongoing growth and healing. The mix of gratitude and lingering pain is part of the story, not a contradiction.

Healing is a lifelong process, and every day offers a chance to move forward.

Jess x